This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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