my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
