I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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