If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
