I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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