yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize