I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
