U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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