You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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