He uses pillows to masturbate.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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