i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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