I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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