i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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