So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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