some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
