And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
