Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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