So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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