I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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