enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
