i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
