I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just invented taco cereal.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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