Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
