I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
