just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All I want is dick and wine.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
