My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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