Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
