I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
