Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
