I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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