I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
