My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
