Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
