oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
