Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
