thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
love makes seman taste better
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
