How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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