Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
