I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
