i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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