I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
