If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
