My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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