she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
