Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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