i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
