i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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