About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
