i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
