Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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