I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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