You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
