I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
