I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Drunk is a universal language darling
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize