its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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