I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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