Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
