Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
